5 min read

To My Suicide Note

A few years ago, I tried to kill myself.

A few years ago, I tried to kill myself. Don’t worry, that is far behind me now.

Whilst cleaning out my files on Evernote, I found the suicide note I had written many years ago. I had made the decision that I would like to no longer exist, that I would end my current existence, hoping that this pain may end.

I wrote this suicide note in 2010.

Hello World,

Probably the saddest part of this suicide note is feeling like I have no one in particular to address this to.

It’s been with a lot of reflection over a considerable amount of time, that I have come to the decision that I am leaving you, World.

I am leaving—and you will be better for it.

Happiness, to me, has felt like a club for the cool kids of which I was never one.

My life has been filled with some of the happiest days I have never felt—it’s time that ends.

I just want it to be known that this is no one’s fault, you couldn’t have saved me.

As Hemingway says, “The sun also sets”.

Goodbye.

Almost six years later, I am new. I am happy, balanced, fully-functional. But at the end of the day, that person who couldn’t bear the idea of living is still inside me—he never goes away, and that is okay. He serves as a marker of my lowest point of which I conquered and shall never visit again.

Finding one’s own suicide note after years of living a much different life is a hugely emotional and cathartic experience. I was simultaneously filled with so much sadness and love for the person that wrote it that it led me to writing this, a reply letter to my suicide note, from the version of me that is living.

Dearest Leo,

You do not really want to die. You just want the pain to end.

It hurts, oh my God it hurts, trust me, I know, I’ve been where you are.

You have lived days of feeling nothing but emptiness, and the accompanied pain of such a vacuum.

I am here to tell you what I wish you had known all those years ago, when you wrote this note.

I am here to tell you what I wish so many others like you could have known, but will never get to know.

The Romans were famous for stating: “This too shall pass.”

And how right they were, this too shall pass.

The gripping emptiness you feel will never truly leave you, it will always be around as a gentle reminder where you have come from.

You will know the emptiness is there, and you will live life so completely that you will fill the void with your own fullness.

The vacuum will cease to hurt you.

Leo, I love you.

Yes, I do love you.

Never have you ever believed you could love yourself, did you?

But you will, and very much so. And others will too.

It is in loving yourself that you learn how others can love you too, how you can accept their love, and how to truly love them back.

This is important—love yourself, know yourself, be yourself. This, above all, to thine ownself be true.

I know you feel that the world is nihilistic. That there is no ‘purpose’ to life. No ‘reason’ for existing.

You’re right though, there is no purpose for living and no reason for existing—there is no master plan or calling for you.

Right now you see this as a hopeless thing, but dear Leo, don’t you see how incredibly freeing this is?

You are not constrained to a pre-ordained plan. You get to live your life by your own choosing.

There is no reason for you living. You get to define the path of your own life.

There is no purpose to your existence. You get to create the nature of your own existence.

Don’t you see? You’re free.

Oh, my dear Leo, you are free.

I know it gets really difficult to wake up.

I know it gets really difficult to do anything.

Do it anyway.

Show life that you are not going to bow to anything.

Conquer you darkest demons.

Most importantly, engage yourself.

Do not let yourself remain idle.

Even on days you feel hopeless, and there will be days you feel utterly hopeless, those are the days you need to get up the most.

Get up! Engage! Remember, it doesn’t need to have a purpose, just do not be idle (even if you simply meditate).

Six years later, I still do not know what I want to do with my life, and that is completely fine.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Talk to people, they actually do care, they will understand.

Remember, it is with stress than anything is strengthened.

With pressure, coal becomes a diamond.

With heat that metal gets shaped into swords and shields.

With being pulled backwards that arrows travel the furthest.

With this rock bottom that you shall rise higher than you have ever been, and how high you will go!

Remember this, above all else, everything will be ok.

If it’s not ok yet, it will be. Don’t give up.

Smile. Breathe. Live.

The sun always rises.

Love, You (2016)